Question: I value your website and perhaps you have already written on this topic and can point me to the information. My son and daughter in law still have our grandson’s bed in their bedroom. He lept in their bed for a long time and still does not sleep in his own bedroom. He is 10. Is there any comment or insight on this matter?

Answer: Thank you for your kind words of support. We apologize for our long delay in replying.

A modern family co-sleeping

There is a modern movement that encourages what is called “co-sleeping”, which is exactly what your son and daughter-in-law are following: the idea that the whole family should sleep in one bed. Today this often entails all members of the family sprawled out on top of one another, regardless of sex.

Advocates of co-sleeping argue that it is the more natural way to sleep because it has been a common practice in ancient cultures, especially among the tribal societies and non-Western countries. In the Philippines and other Asian countries it is still a common practice.

The Historical History of One Family Bed

In times past, beds were a luxury, and most families were fortunate to have one good bed in their home. For this reason, parents and children would often sleep in the same bed. This practice was prevalent in the Middle Ages, as can be seen depicted in some Medieval manuscripts.

15th century bedrooms

However, according to historians, there were strict social rules concerning the order of sleeping persons. It was not one large familial embrace without any thought of modesty. According to BBC, “female children would typically lie at one side of the bed, with the oldest nearest the wall, followed by the mother and father, then male children – again arranged by age – then non-family members.”

This practice is also mentioned in the following article: “But if anyone were to get any kind of rest while sleeping next to others, lines had to be drawn and rules applied. Large families assigned spots to each member according to age and gender. The British called this “to pig.”

"In his book, At Day’s Close, historian A. Roger Ekirch recounts how one 19th-century Irish family slept in birth order with the mother and sisters on one side of the bed and father and brothers on the other, followed by the odd guest or traveling peddler.”

With these historical factors, one can deduce that, in practice, co-sleeping is not necessarily wrong; however, when necessity does not require it, is it the best way?

As Christian Civilization naturally progressed, most Catholic families could afford to purchase more beds and avoid the problems that may arise from both sexes sleeping together. A baby would still typically sleep in the room with his mother so that she could easily nurse him at night - the bassinet was invented for this specific purpose, for the little bed could be attached close to the mother’s side. But as the child grew (and in a Catholic family the next child was often quickly on the way) it had to move to its own room or one shared with siblings.

A baby's bed next to the parent's bed,  at right, separate quarters in the nursery

More well-to-do families would have nurseries for their children to sleep, rest and play in. Once the child reached a certain age and began to behave with more maturity - which occurred at a much younger age than it does today - he left the nursery, a physical sign of his leaving behind childishness and entering adulthood.

Preservation of Purity and Modesty

Many of the modern advocates for “co-sleeping” blame the Catholic Church - the former of Western values - for being instrumental in ending parents sleeping with their children in bed. As presented in this article, the modern belief is that the concept of “original sin made people believe infants were in need of cleansing and discipline.” The implication is that original sin is simply a dark fable invented by the Church to keep men in line; therefore, such ideas as modesty and chastity are merely ways to suppress the natural impulses in man.

Catholic orgphanges ensured that children had separate beds to prevent impurity

Yet, the Church is wise in her motherly concern for her children, who can be so easily corrupted by the world and misled by the Devil. For the sake of purity, she has advised, by holy priests and saints, that co-sleeping should be avoided when the child is older than a baby. The Devil can inspire even children to have impure thoughts if not properly guarded, and to have a daughter sleeping with her father, or a son with his mother, can be a grave occasion of sin, especially if the child above the age of reason. catholic orphanages ensured that the children had separate beds to prevent impurity

Additionally, for the sake of modesty, a child should not become accustomed to seeing his parents in their nightclothes without robes. Keeping custody of the eyes is much easier when each member of the family has his own bed, and undue familiarities are also avoided. Saints have warned against even young children of the same sex sleeping in the same bed.

Swiss children with separate beds in a modest home

St. John Baptist de La Salle insists: “You must neither undress nor go to bed when anyone else is present. Unless you are married, you must, above all, never go to bed in the presence of anyone of the other sex, for this is entirely contrary to decency and refinement.

“It is even less allowable for persons of different sexes to sleep in the same bed, even if they are only young children, nor is it appropriate for people of the same sex to sleep together. This is what Saint Francis de Sales recommended to Madame de Chantal in regard to her children when she still lived in the world, as something extremely important and as much a practice of decorum as one of Christian morality and piety.”

St. Alphonsus Marie Liguori advises: “a father ought not to allow his children to sleep in his own bed, nor the male and female children to sleep together.”

Therefore, it seems to us that the practice of co-sleeping is not advisable and may constitute an occasion of sin, especially in our days when morals have become so lax. Let parents show affection for their children by engaging in innocent family amusements and, most importantly, using the rod of discipline, an act of true charity that helps the child to overcome corrupt human nature and preserve the virtue of purity.

A modestly dressed mother checks on her 'soldier' son

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Posted March 7, 2006

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